Times flies whether you like it or not, children grow up faster than what we expect. Just 2 plus years ago, Caleb was still a helpless baby lying in his cot, not knowing a single word but could only cry for milk and attention. Now, he couldn't stop talking and singing, and could so well verbalize his feelings. As I look at Caleb tonight, I am amazed how much he has grown. I can only thank God for allowing me to see His miracle works in this little life n the joy it brings to a mother's heart to see her child grow up every day. It is most wonderful how Caleb says "I love you, mummy." in his sweetest voice and most sincere look, and I am so so sure that he meant every word of it. Everyday I ask God to remind me to look at him carefully cos I know I will miss a part of his growth when I get too busy with other things for that day. I have an equally mixed feelings about Caleb starting school in 2 days time. Part of me is glad that he is finally going to school, giving me more free time to do my stuff and also to spend more time with Bryan. Yet I know this is the start of lesser time with my darling. I know I am going to miss the times we spend doing art n craft, singing songs, reading books, playing with toys or just snuggling on the sofa watching our favorite cartoons.

And I thank God for the 2nd miracle (Bryan). Bryan is such an easy child and I thank God for that. He is all sunshine and smiley. I am amazed how God could grow the love I had for my children. The love didn't get divided by 2 when I have 2 children but it got multiplied! When I look at Bryan, I felt like I fall in love again just like how it felt with Caleb (even easier this time cos Bryan really looks like Gabriel).

Then I tot of how my mum must have felt when she looked at us. Suddenly I could understand why her sacrifices for us were always unconditional. The extent she is willing to go for us, her children, even when we are already all grown up. As we celebrated her 57th birthday today, I pray that God will continue to bring joy to her heart thru us and thru her grandchildren. Happy Birthday Mummy!!!

I was updating my resume today and was almost convicted that I should find a job and work for at least 1 to 2 years before I stay at home for good when Caleb start P-school. But after seeing how much Caleb is missing Gab after he started work, I couldn't bear to leave him as well. Caleb has this immersed joy when daddy is home early today (not that early, around 7pm). He just want to be Gabriel all the time.

Over the past few weeks, I am constantly in dilemma on the decision of working or not. My concern is always towards Caleb and Bryan. What will happen once I start working? That's a question I couldn't answer at this point of time. I know for sure Caleb and Bryan will have less of mummy's time and what kind of impact will that bring to them? Is granny's attention enough in replacement of mine for the time being?

Even though staying at home these few days with my mum makes me feel that I should go work to reduce redundancy at home. And especially so once Caleb goes to school in Feb, and it will be just Bryan being looked after by me and my mum. It makes me feel that I should find a job till Bryan needs more of my attention or when Caleb start Pri school. But I have lots of struggle within me of the much reduced time I will have at home. And what if my job demands more that 8 to 5.

God, pls show me the best way and the best decision. Lead me to the right way!

Strangely familiar feeling...

This is the 3rd week since we returned to singapore, our home. Even though we are not exactly in our own home as we are staying with my mum. The feeling to be home was great at first. I was so excited to see my dearest family n friends at the airport. It seemed like yesterday when they just sent us off to our 1 yr hol and then we are back at the same place again. Really, the feeling is like the last 1yr didn't actually existed. The time paused at Singapore Changi Airport where we left on 21st dec 2009 and continued on 22nd dec 2010. Maybe because in that 1 yr, we led an extremely different life, out of our norm, too enjoyable that it didn't feel real.

Though far away from family, I must say I had an enjoyable 2010. We had many adventures, made many new friends, created lots of wonderful memories. Family time was most fulfilling during that time when Gab gets to be home by late afternoon and had most of his weekends starting on Thurs. By n by, we had friends, family who drop by Monterey and visited us. I really wished that I had written down every individual holiday and the interesting places we had visited if I had the time. But time is always short when we are enjoying so I guess I could only summarize the places we had visited.

Thanks to my Monterey friends who had made my 2010 so beautiful. I enjoyed the Lake Tahoe, San Diego trip w u. I will also miss the "kampong style" dinner we had so frequently, the band hero and dvd nites. Of course my shopping kakis, I will remember the weekly outing to Target, Marshals, Ross, Kohls, Macys & Loft. Thanks for helping me when I am preggy so that I can continue shopping with u. It is a rare chance to make such good friends in 1 yr and I treasure the friendship we had. Thanks to my BCI friends, we are truly blessed by all of you. You had showed us what servant leaders are. Pastor Bryce & Pastor Donna, we are so blessed by both of you.

Now that I am back home, I am still trying to piece everything back. The feeling to be back is strangely familiar yet quite unknown. I guess I just got to get back into the momentum of living in a small crowded city. I am home.

A simple lesson on Obedience

Caleb taught me a lesson on Obedience...

I brought Caleb to the playground 2 days ago and met some other Singaporean mothers with older kids (ard 2-5 years older than Caleb). Caleb was given a boundary at the playground and he was instructed not to cross that boundary. The boundary is set to be within a slope and a fence. He had been punished previously for stepping out of the fence.

Well, older kids do not observed such boundaries in the playground so they are running around freely. And Caleb loves to play with these big kor kors. They were playing happily at the playground when the big kor kors decided to go down the slope. Caleb ran to the edge of the slope and came to a brake when he realised he was about to cross his boundary. He looked at my direction and was inching towards the big kor kors who were having lots of fun down at the bottom of the slope. But then he stopped. He kept looking at me for approval but I didn't react. He took a step forward, and then backward, and forward and backward and this went on for a few times.

By now, the big kor kors are calling out to him to join them. But he stood at the same spot. After around 10 mins (or more), he called out to me. I calmly walked over to him and asked him what he wanted, he said, "Mama, can I go down pls?" I told him he couldn't go down on his own but I could bring him down for a while. I let him play for a while with the big boys and brought up again. On the way up, I told him I was pleased that he obeyed.

Honestly, I am more than pleased. I am overjoyed when I see my Caleb remembering my command and obeying it. Because the slope is dangerous and I will not be able to see him once he is at the bottom so I gave him a command not to cross that boundary. But his act of obedience touches me and pleases me so so much. I understand truly from God's point of view how He felt when we choose to obey Him, when we choose to die to our flesh to act on His way. And I can also feel how God must have felt when we choose to disobey and end up getting hurt or getting lost. Like any parents, God gave instruction for a reason which we may not see or understand, and the bottom line, do we choose to obey?

Caleb had taught me a lesson on obeying God that day.

There are days like this day, when you feel really aimless and meaningless. When things you do don't satisfy you. When you feel so lacking and so needing. When you try to get all things done but found that there are more to be done and then you just want to stop doing all that has to be done. When you feel sleepy but you don't want to sleep. When you feel hungry but don't know what to eat. When you want to make something extra nice but just can't find the energy to do it.

what should i do in a day like this?

let me think... ok... i got out of my house but just walked around aimlessly, making my already tired and aching body more tired. i had my dinner at my friend's house but just kept minimum conversation. i return home, put caleb to sleep, bath, washed all the dishes (which i really wanted to leave to tomorrow but i didn't)

then i go to my itunes and i want listening to some worship songs and spend some time with the Lord.

the first song that was played. "everyday it's You I live for. everyday I'll follow after You. everyday I'll walk with you my Lord."

indeed, in days like this. I still live for my Lord. it is for Him I live.

New Challenge

Caleb has recently posted me with a new challenge. You may think it is the current potty training program I am putting him thru, you are wrong. (That's the challenge I am putting on him n on myself). Caleb is actually showing increasing disobedience to instructions given to him.

I am not too sure when it started. I believe it could have started very long time ago. Perhaps it had started during those times when we all thought that his 'no' were just petty matters and could be ignored. Somethings really felt unimportant enough to enforce discipline, like asking Caleb to come over when he is playing his toys, asking him to stop his playtime at the playground cos it is time to go home, asking him to take his bathe etc etc. Some parenting books suggest that children must be taught to obey immediately as they were told. When you want to them to come now, stop now, it must be done NOW. At times like these, I do allow him some leeway whenever he say no. Oh these are just petty stuff, I always thought.

As days, weeks, months goes by, the 'no's are extended to more things in the daily routine. When it is time for meals, he wants to watch TV. When it is almost bedtime, he wants his food. Refusing to bath the whole day. Demanding to be to play with his toys or watch TV at inappropriate timing. It doesn't happen all the time, but I am seeing an increasing trend. The little allowance which I gave to him has begin to make him think that he is the boss in the house and I have to now obey his orders. And this role reversal is getting more and more significant on matters which I took as petty. Ok, Caleb is not all rebellious or incorrigible if that's what you are thinking, they are really small matters, but this start to set me thinking on setting things back in the right order. It may be petty matters now, but who knows where this disobedience will lead him to?

There are several things which I had insisted on Caleb since young and I found that because of that consistent discipline, those part of his life is much in order. He knows that I do not take 'no' for those matters. Like bedtime, nap time, those are no-compromise situation. When it is time to sleep, it is time to sleep. Caleb could even sleep by himself when many parents I know face the challenge of putting their kids to bed. So I think most part of his disobedience comes from us, parents who choose not to discipline or insist. When we think it is ok for him to disagree on something, when we allow him to have some of his own decisions, we are actually teaching him that disobeying us is ok. And that boundary is expanding as he challenge us daily with his 'no' and 'I want'.

I am not intending to become a psychopath mother or a dictator in Caleb's life. But I begin to see that it is a very thin line between allowing him to do what he wants or likes and bringing him up in disobedience. It is too thin and I need to learn how to handle it. This is the new challenge Caleb has posted in my life. I need new wisdom, extra discernment, creativity to handle the situation, extra discipline myself to be consistent in handling Caleb.

Is this biblical? I would think so.

Prov 19:18 " Discipline your so, for in that there is hope. Do not be the willing party in his death"

If I can't get him to obey me, someone who had shown him love in a very visible and extensive way, how can I be sure that he will obey his teachers in school or leaders in church or even God.

God command us to obey Him. He demands obedience. Obedience pleases God.

Prov 19:16 "He who obeys instructions guards his life."

2 John 1:6 " And this is love: that we walk in obedience in his command"

1 Sam 15:22 "Obedience is better than sacrifice."

Also bearing in mind that God commend us to honor our parents. How can I be teaching my son disobedience and dishonoring his parents if that's what God has commended.

How am I going to do it? Seriously I do not know the best way. But Prov 13:24 says "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him."

Prov 22, 23 speaks of the rod, which drives out folly in the heart of the child (22:15), save the child from death (23:13, 14). Using the rod in the right way, at the right time, all requires judgment and guidance. My 1st guide is never to use it when I am angry... Well after that, I need to discern the situation.

Indeed, it is one of the most challenging time of my life.

Calling of a mother

From the book " Don't make me count to three."

Sometimes I feel like just getting dressed and making it through the day is all I ever accomplish. "Isn't there something more that you wanted me to do today Lord?" Finally, I could hear that still, small voice. I may not have found a cure for cancer or conquer world hunger, but as I soak in my tub, God gently reminds me of what I did accomplish today. i had the privilege of listening to the hopes and dreams of a handsome young man who thinks I'm the greatest woman in the world. He stands just over three feet tall and only gets really excited over Legos and pizza, but he is funny and charming, and never boring.

....

I was able to dust, organize, clean, counsel and cook. I kissed away the boo-boos and washed away the tears. I praised, rebuked, encouraged, hugged and tested my patience, all before noon.

Yes, my greatest accomplishment today is nurturing the two precious children that God has entrusted to my care.

This 1st chapter of the book gave me inspiration of what accomplishment a full time mother had made out of their everyday. We may not be CEO or Director. We do not given target or KPI to meet by our boss (we dun have a boss). But everyday of our life is of great accomplishment cos we are doing what God has entrusted us to do!

There are days when I wonder if I have the calling to be a full time mother. Those are the days when Caleb nearly drive me crazy, but which jobs do not have bad days. I learn that those bad days are used to help me teach Caleb into a better boy and also to mould me to be of better character too.

As for the good times, it is countless. My heart melts each time Caleb run to me, hug me, call for me, when he bream with joy as he make small accomplishments.