Times flies whether you like it or not, children grow up faster than what we expect. Just 2 plus years ago, Caleb was still a helpless baby lying in his cot, not knowing a single word but could only cry for milk and attention. Now, he couldn't stop talking and singing, and could so well verbalize his feelings. As I look at Caleb tonight, I am amazed how much he has grown. I can only thank God for allowing me to see His miracle works in this little life n the joy it brings to a mother's heart to see her child grow up every day. It is most wonderful how Caleb says "I love you, mummy." in his sweetest voice and most sincere look, and I am so so sure that he meant every word of it. Everyday I ask God to remind me to look at him carefully cos I know I will miss a part of his growth when I get too busy with other things for that day. I have an equally mixed feelings about Caleb starting school in 2 days time. Part of me is glad that he is finally going to school, giving me more free time to do my stuff and also to spend more time with Bryan. Yet I know this is the start of lesser time with my darling. I know I am going to miss the times we spend doing art n craft, singing songs, reading books, playing with toys or just snuggling on the sofa watching our favorite cartoons.

And I thank God for the 2nd miracle (Bryan). Bryan is such an easy child and I thank God for that. He is all sunshine and smiley. I am amazed how God could grow the love I had for my children. The love didn't get divided by 2 when I have 2 children but it got multiplied! When I look at Bryan, I felt like I fall in love again just like how it felt with Caleb (even easier this time cos Bryan really looks like Gabriel).

Then I tot of how my mum must have felt when she looked at us. Suddenly I could understand why her sacrifices for us were always unconditional. The extent she is willing to go for us, her children, even when we are already all grown up. As we celebrated her 57th birthday today, I pray that God will continue to bring joy to her heart thru us and thru her grandchildren. Happy Birthday Mummy!!!

I was updating my resume today and was almost convicted that I should find a job and work for at least 1 to 2 years before I stay at home for good when Caleb start P-school. But after seeing how much Caleb is missing Gab after he started work, I couldn't bear to leave him as well. Caleb has this immersed joy when daddy is home early today (not that early, around 7pm). He just want to be Gabriel all the time.

Over the past few weeks, I am constantly in dilemma on the decision of working or not. My concern is always towards Caleb and Bryan. What will happen once I start working? That's a question I couldn't answer at this point of time. I know for sure Caleb and Bryan will have less of mummy's time and what kind of impact will that bring to them? Is granny's attention enough in replacement of mine for the time being?

Even though staying at home these few days with my mum makes me feel that I should go work to reduce redundancy at home. And especially so once Caleb goes to school in Feb, and it will be just Bryan being looked after by me and my mum. It makes me feel that I should find a job till Bryan needs more of my attention or when Caleb start Pri school. But I have lots of struggle within me of the much reduced time I will have at home. And what if my job demands more that 8 to 5.

God, pls show me the best way and the best decision. Lead me to the right way!

Strangely familiar feeling...

This is the 3rd week since we returned to singapore, our home. Even though we are not exactly in our own home as we are staying with my mum. The feeling to be home was great at first. I was so excited to see my dearest family n friends at the airport. It seemed like yesterday when they just sent us off to our 1 yr hol and then we are back at the same place again. Really, the feeling is like the last 1yr didn't actually existed. The time paused at Singapore Changi Airport where we left on 21st dec 2009 and continued on 22nd dec 2010. Maybe because in that 1 yr, we led an extremely different life, out of our norm, too enjoyable that it didn't feel real.

Though far away from family, I must say I had an enjoyable 2010. We had many adventures, made many new friends, created lots of wonderful memories. Family time was most fulfilling during that time when Gab gets to be home by late afternoon and had most of his weekends starting on Thurs. By n by, we had friends, family who drop by Monterey and visited us. I really wished that I had written down every individual holiday and the interesting places we had visited if I had the time. But time is always short when we are enjoying so I guess I could only summarize the places we had visited.

Thanks to my Monterey friends who had made my 2010 so beautiful. I enjoyed the Lake Tahoe, San Diego trip w u. I will also miss the "kampong style" dinner we had so frequently, the band hero and dvd nites. Of course my shopping kakis, I will remember the weekly outing to Target, Marshals, Ross, Kohls, Macys & Loft. Thanks for helping me when I am preggy so that I can continue shopping with u. It is a rare chance to make such good friends in 1 yr and I treasure the friendship we had. Thanks to my BCI friends, we are truly blessed by all of you. You had showed us what servant leaders are. Pastor Bryce & Pastor Donna, we are so blessed by both of you.

Now that I am back home, I am still trying to piece everything back. The feeling to be back is strangely familiar yet quite unknown. I guess I just got to get back into the momentum of living in a small crowded city. I am home.

A simple lesson on Obedience

Caleb taught me a lesson on Obedience...

I brought Caleb to the playground 2 days ago and met some other Singaporean mothers with older kids (ard 2-5 years older than Caleb). Caleb was given a boundary at the playground and he was instructed not to cross that boundary. The boundary is set to be within a slope and a fence. He had been punished previously for stepping out of the fence.

Well, older kids do not observed such boundaries in the playground so they are running around freely. And Caleb loves to play with these big kor kors. They were playing happily at the playground when the big kor kors decided to go down the slope. Caleb ran to the edge of the slope and came to a brake when he realised he was about to cross his boundary. He looked at my direction and was inching towards the big kor kors who were having lots of fun down at the bottom of the slope. But then he stopped. He kept looking at me for approval but I didn't react. He took a step forward, and then backward, and forward and backward and this went on for a few times.

By now, the big kor kors are calling out to him to join them. But he stood at the same spot. After around 10 mins (or more), he called out to me. I calmly walked over to him and asked him what he wanted, he said, "Mama, can I go down pls?" I told him he couldn't go down on his own but I could bring him down for a while. I let him play for a while with the big boys and brought up again. On the way up, I told him I was pleased that he obeyed.

Honestly, I am more than pleased. I am overjoyed when I see my Caleb remembering my command and obeying it. Because the slope is dangerous and I will not be able to see him once he is at the bottom so I gave him a command not to cross that boundary. But his act of obedience touches me and pleases me so so much. I understand truly from God's point of view how He felt when we choose to obey Him, when we choose to die to our flesh to act on His way. And I can also feel how God must have felt when we choose to disobey and end up getting hurt or getting lost. Like any parents, God gave instruction for a reason which we may not see or understand, and the bottom line, do we choose to obey?

Caleb had taught me a lesson on obeying God that day.

There are days like this day, when you feel really aimless and meaningless. When things you do don't satisfy you. When you feel so lacking and so needing. When you try to get all things done but found that there are more to be done and then you just want to stop doing all that has to be done. When you feel sleepy but you don't want to sleep. When you feel hungry but don't know what to eat. When you want to make something extra nice but just can't find the energy to do it.

what should i do in a day like this?

let me think... ok... i got out of my house but just walked around aimlessly, making my already tired and aching body more tired. i had my dinner at my friend's house but just kept minimum conversation. i return home, put caleb to sleep, bath, washed all the dishes (which i really wanted to leave to tomorrow but i didn't)

then i go to my itunes and i want listening to some worship songs and spend some time with the Lord.

the first song that was played. "everyday it's You I live for. everyday I'll follow after You. everyday I'll walk with you my Lord."

indeed, in days like this. I still live for my Lord. it is for Him I live.

New Challenge

Caleb has recently posted me with a new challenge. You may think it is the current potty training program I am putting him thru, you are wrong. (That's the challenge I am putting on him n on myself). Caleb is actually showing increasing disobedience to instructions given to him.

I am not too sure when it started. I believe it could have started very long time ago. Perhaps it had started during those times when we all thought that his 'no' were just petty matters and could be ignored. Somethings really felt unimportant enough to enforce discipline, like asking Caleb to come over when he is playing his toys, asking him to stop his playtime at the playground cos it is time to go home, asking him to take his bathe etc etc. Some parenting books suggest that children must be taught to obey immediately as they were told. When you want to them to come now, stop now, it must be done NOW. At times like these, I do allow him some leeway whenever he say no. Oh these are just petty stuff, I always thought.

As days, weeks, months goes by, the 'no's are extended to more things in the daily routine. When it is time for meals, he wants to watch TV. When it is almost bedtime, he wants his food. Refusing to bath the whole day. Demanding to be to play with his toys or watch TV at inappropriate timing. It doesn't happen all the time, but I am seeing an increasing trend. The little allowance which I gave to him has begin to make him think that he is the boss in the house and I have to now obey his orders. And this role reversal is getting more and more significant on matters which I took as petty. Ok, Caleb is not all rebellious or incorrigible if that's what you are thinking, they are really small matters, but this start to set me thinking on setting things back in the right order. It may be petty matters now, but who knows where this disobedience will lead him to?

There are several things which I had insisted on Caleb since young and I found that because of that consistent discipline, those part of his life is much in order. He knows that I do not take 'no' for those matters. Like bedtime, nap time, those are no-compromise situation. When it is time to sleep, it is time to sleep. Caleb could even sleep by himself when many parents I know face the challenge of putting their kids to bed. So I think most part of his disobedience comes from us, parents who choose not to discipline or insist. When we think it is ok for him to disagree on something, when we allow him to have some of his own decisions, we are actually teaching him that disobeying us is ok. And that boundary is expanding as he challenge us daily with his 'no' and 'I want'.

I am not intending to become a psychopath mother or a dictator in Caleb's life. But I begin to see that it is a very thin line between allowing him to do what he wants or likes and bringing him up in disobedience. It is too thin and I need to learn how to handle it. This is the new challenge Caleb has posted in my life. I need new wisdom, extra discernment, creativity to handle the situation, extra discipline myself to be consistent in handling Caleb.

Is this biblical? I would think so.

Prov 19:18 " Discipline your so, for in that there is hope. Do not be the willing party in his death"

If I can't get him to obey me, someone who had shown him love in a very visible and extensive way, how can I be sure that he will obey his teachers in school or leaders in church or even God.

God command us to obey Him. He demands obedience. Obedience pleases God.

Prov 19:16 "He who obeys instructions guards his life."

2 John 1:6 " And this is love: that we walk in obedience in his command"

1 Sam 15:22 "Obedience is better than sacrifice."

Also bearing in mind that God commend us to honor our parents. How can I be teaching my son disobedience and dishonoring his parents if that's what God has commended.

How am I going to do it? Seriously I do not know the best way. But Prov 13:24 says "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him."

Prov 22, 23 speaks of the rod, which drives out folly in the heart of the child (22:15), save the child from death (23:13, 14). Using the rod in the right way, at the right time, all requires judgment and guidance. My 1st guide is never to use it when I am angry... Well after that, I need to discern the situation.

Indeed, it is one of the most challenging time of my life.

Calling of a mother

From the book " Don't make me count to three."

Sometimes I feel like just getting dressed and making it through the day is all I ever accomplish. "Isn't there something more that you wanted me to do today Lord?" Finally, I could hear that still, small voice. I may not have found a cure for cancer or conquer world hunger, but as I soak in my tub, God gently reminds me of what I did accomplish today. i had the privilege of listening to the hopes and dreams of a handsome young man who thinks I'm the greatest woman in the world. He stands just over three feet tall and only gets really excited over Legos and pizza, but he is funny and charming, and never boring.

....

I was able to dust, organize, clean, counsel and cook. I kissed away the boo-boos and washed away the tears. I praised, rebuked, encouraged, hugged and tested my patience, all before noon.

Yes, my greatest accomplishment today is nurturing the two precious children that God has entrusted to my care.

This 1st chapter of the book gave me inspiration of what accomplishment a full time mother had made out of their everyday. We may not be CEO or Director. We do not given target or KPI to meet by our boss (we dun have a boss). But everyday of our life is of great accomplishment cos we are doing what God has entrusted us to do!

There are days when I wonder if I have the calling to be a full time mother. Those are the days when Caleb nearly drive me crazy, but which jobs do not have bad days. I learn that those bad days are used to help me teach Caleb into a better boy and also to mould me to be of better character too.

As for the good times, it is countless. My heart melts each time Caleb run to me, hug me, call for me, when he bream with joy as he make small accomplishments.

Updating my life in US with some photos...

Our new home in Monterey

1st Roadtrip on Christmas to Gab's Uncle's house

Big Sur Roadtrip

San Francsico Weekend

Week 3 in Monterey.

It is 1 week after the last post. I am still missing home... I still want to tear when I begin to think of home. I am such a cry baby. helo, whoever reading my blog, i m still thinking of you. =)

In this 1 week, we have moved to the new place. It is double storey (I have muscle ache after 2 days of climbing up n down the stairs many many times!), fully carpeted except toilets, dining and kitchen area, has a little front yard. It feels like going to a chalet when I first move in. But as we start shifting things around, buying things to fill the house, it feels a little like dream home cos it is something I wouldn't have in Singapore.

And I begin my life as a home maker. It is a very busy job, with packed schedules and timeline to meet, oh, and with budget too. It is like doing a coordinator + operation job at the same time. My to do list is always increasing, with the priority changing at different time of the day.
It is so packed and mundane that I need to fb/msn at night to feel that I still belong to myself. (maybe only I understand what I am talking here). It is like my daily routine is determined by caleb's meal, caleb's play, caleb's abc & 1,2,3. Yet, there is fulfilment in itself as you spend the day with caleb, just being busy with his stuff. aiya, it is so hard to explain the dilemma I am facing.

I am also busy planning my MIL's visit. IT IS VERY DIFFICULT to plan someone's holiday!!!

I want to post some very beautiful pictures when I got time. that's like #?? in my list. hee...

In a flash of time, I had moved out of my 4 yrs Sengkang home, quited my 5 yr job, flew a cross the pacific ocean and ended in a complete new place, with a complete new life.

The past 3 weeks passed me too fast. I am recollecting the emotions I missed out over the last 2 weeks. Tonight, as Gab and Caleb lay beside me asleep, I couldn't sleep and was looking at what's currently around me, I had a sudden flashback of what had happened. It is like I suddenly cannot accept the fact that I am already in US though this was planned 1 yr ago. This feels almost like I had swallowed big chucks of food down my throat without chewing and tasting them properly and now it is coming up again. Or maybe it is the limit which I begin to miss my mother, father, sisters, friends in Singapore.

Did I even mentioned that I am the miss-home type? Even when I was staying in hall in my uni days, I need to go home every weekend, else I will end up crying myself to sleep after 2 weekends away from home.

First, I know for sure I will miss my Sengkang home. That's the 1st place Gab and I bought, design and decorate it from nothing. Every single detail was carefully thought thru. I really miss that place. As I was packing to move out, I just do not want to think abt the emotional tots. I know if I continue to ignore it, there will be a huge eruption later.

I miss going to Pasir Ris to have dinner, to talk to my family as we eat, to have cut fruits served after dinner. I miss just simply hanging out with my sisters, even if we r doing nothing. I miss lying on lindy's bed while she is busy with dun know what. There is too much I miss... I miss daddy and mummy pampering me.

I miss the people in church, cos we just do nothing but stand in circle. I miss the standing in the circle times. I miss the sun, sitting at su's sofa n watch tv times. I miss the gals' nites out though it is a standard dinner + coffee thing. I miss my cell group cos they are the best! I love to worship with Ignite, I love the fellowship and sharing time cos we share our heart to each other.

Great... this is like a eruption of my emotions. tomorrow i will have swollen eyes. =(
I really wanted to give everyone a good, long hug at the airport that day, But I didnt, cos I know I can't stop my tears if I stay at the sending off area longer. Now I wish I had given you a longer hug cos I am going to miss it for 1 year.

Season of Advent

I am personally not a fan of liturgical events that happen in church. I do not hate them but I will not wave any palm leaves to support them. Today I was reminded that this sunday, actually today as I am writing this at 12.20am, is the start of Advent again. This is the 3rd year we are doing the same thing over again for the next 4 weeks (reading the same verses and then lighting the same candle). So I decided to read and find out more abt it.


Advent means 'arrival' or 'coming'. The season of Advent starts 4 weeks before Christ arrival, signifying the wait and the anticipation of His coming. It signifies hope and joy. Over the years, different denomination celebrate it differently (w different colour themes) but the focus remains much the same. And the focus is not only the celebration of Jesus' birth but also the anticipation of Jesus' 2nd coming. The latter is fairly new to me!


The Advent symbol is sign of Alpha and Omega taken from Rev 1:8 "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the End, who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty."It is not only the celebration of the past but also of the present and the future, where we are constantly reminded of why Jesus had to come, and Him being in our midst and Him coming again.

Dennis Bratcher from his online article on The season of Advent,
"Advent also symbolizes the spiritual journey of individuals and a congregation, as they affirm that Christ has come, that He is present in the world today, and that He will come again in power."
"The spirit of Advent is expressed well in the parable of the bridesmaids who are anxiously awaiting the coming of the Bridegroom (Matt 25:1-13). There is profound joy at the Bridegroom’s expected coming. And yet a warning of the need for preparation echoes through the parable."


From as young as 11 years old, Christmas, to me, is the most beautiful event of the year and I always look forward to it. Because the celebration of Christmas is on the eve and actual day, I always wish that I could really celebrate it 12 days. And to lengthen the celebration of Christmas, I will start with Christmas shopping, Christmas deco, party planning. This is how I prolong my Christmas celebration.


But for this year, I think I had started the celebration of Christmas with the understanding of Advent. I want to take time to remember, or refresh my memory of Christ coming again for the next four weeks. As I gain greater understanding of its purpose, I think it will give me conviction of take the next 4 weeks of celebration more seriously and look at the liturgy more meaningfully.

p.s. There are several articles which tells us the details of Advent celebration, like the colour of candles, what each week symbolises etc etc which is not blogged here. It is really interesting to read abt it!

Historical moment

this is the historical moment of my life and i hope to do a record of it... i m 10 mins from my 30th birthday. i m crossing from the twenties to the thirties... i can no longer associate myself with the 21, 22 yrs old youngsters because i was in my 20s (even at 29 yr old). from tomorrow onwards, i m not anymore.

reaching 30 brings me a very mix and complex feelings. even though i still feel young at some times, but the big 3 reminds me that i m not young. so i m really stuck in the i think i feel young but maybe i m not really young space. sometimes i think to myself that i shld stop thinking i m young and start moving on the next phase of my life and embrace my 30s with new lifestyle. (is it complex?? do i sound complex? )

the journey of my 30 yrs...

1st yr - i was borned
2nd yr -
3rd yr - i had a sister!!! candy was borned
4th yr - kindergarden, i think i shld be having fun
5th yr - start ballet. i dun remember enjoying the classes...
6th yr - i went to macpherson pri for pre-pri school. I remember being the youngest student in my school bus. it was fun! this is the yr which lindy was borned.
7th yr - pri 1. the first Christian song i learn is 'God is so good.'
8th yr -
9th yr - pri 3. i did v well for my exams and was promoted to a better class. i remember being v proud of myself.
10th yr - i went for chinese story telling competition n came in 4th.
11th yr - i had my first crush on a guy sitting in front of me.
12th yr - my psle yr. it was a yr of studying n very little play. but i did v well.
13th yr - i m glad to be in cedar's girls and it was the first time i became class monitress. Cedar rocks!!!
14th yr - i was selected to be in the prefectorial board. this was probably the start of my leadership development. i brought my sisters out for our 1st movie... i cant remember what show. =(
15th yr - i think this was the age which i receive my 1st love letter. i wonder why cause i really look very nerdy... very ugly... =P. i think i had my 1st unofficial boyfriend in this year (actually just a guy who first held my hand).
16th yr - a very impt year of my life! i became a christian!! i join charis sunday school. my family went to US this year and we had the most wonderful time of our life!!!
17th yr - i remember feeling adult at this age but actually when i look back, i m pretty childish...i was pretty drawn to my own activities and away from my family. my parents became christians!!!
18th yr - graduated from jc with not so satisfying results. took on my 1st full time temp job at HQ link. my first taste to working life.
19th yr - life in a mess as i immerse into hall life. 1st time to clubbing, drinking and exposure to the chaos of the world (i thank God that i didnt get myself into any big mess, or trouble as i open my eyes to the temptation of the world)
20th yr - God is faithful, I rededicated my life to Jesus! Thanks for Sharon, (Asher's mum), who consistently met up with me and visited me in my hall. I was never the same after 1998 youth camp. n i promise never to turn from God since then. I went for my 1st mission trip in Japan, Love Tokyo '99. i also decided to not stay in hall and moved back home, even though i m staying in pasir ris n have to travel to NTU everyday! I got to know my 2 bestest friend, rachel n pat. and i got to know gab, who came to attend charis n my cell.
21st yr - gab became a christian n we got attached!!!
22nd yr -
23rd yr - gab n i went to queue for our sengkang flat. we queued for 3 days 3 nights. and finally we became proud owners of our currently 5 rm flat. gab proposed to me on 5th july and we are engaged!!!
24th yr - we both graduated from uni and started work. I found a job in HP and i m very blessed to be in this job.
25th yr - i became a diver!!! roy n su got married in Jan. gab n i got married on 16th Jul.
26th yr - most enjoyable holiday w gab in Florida, 5 days in disney world n universal studios.
27th yr - i conceived Caleb and the rest of the 9 months were days of carrying caleb ard and preparing for his arrival.
28th yr - caleb was borned on 15th apr. ranen was borned on the same day too...
29th yr - I thank God for this 1 year of blessings and watching over me!

it is 1am.. took me more than 1 hr to recall my 30 yrs... happy birthday to me!!!

memories of my childhood

Last night when i was trying to fall asleep, suddenly memories of my childhood flooded my mind. I am quite sure it was not a dream...

I suddenly remember the times when can, lin n I dress up and play jia(3) jia(3) (i think only they will understand what i talking abt), the bedtime stories (this is the end of story... goodnight...), how we share a 40cents waffle ice-cream, and candy like the yam flavour one but lin and i like the chocolate one but we will still share 1 ice-cream. I remember how we pack up our messy room and attempt to keep it very tidy. I even vaguely remember we have some shared funds which we will buy stuff for each other's birthday. I remember how we love to roll around our mattress during cold weather cos the mattress will feel so cold for us to stay in 1 position. I especially missed the nights which we all squeeze together on 1 bed (single bed!!) and talk till it is very late at night (that's explains our eye bags)

I missed those times suddenly. I missed it so much that I started tearing a little.

I really thank God for giving me 2 sisters, so that we can sleep together in 1 room til we are married and we can learn to share clothes and many other stuff and woirk out the conflicts and differences because so many of our things are shared. Nothing really belongs to 1 person because it is in the room shared by 3 persons. I still treasure the times (though very little) when I can have coffee or a meal with my sisters occassionally.

I hope we will have more time for one another. Thank God for both of u can and lin. I wouldnt trade anything in the world for the times we had. Nothing beats having 2 sisters fighting over big and small stuff with me. As we always said, we are all so different, if we were not sisters, maybe we will not even be friends. But God put us together for a good purpose, to mould us and make us what we are today. Love You both!!!!!

shopaholic

I am a shopaholic! I cant stop browsing the online stores and they are having discounts that are too tempting to resist!!! I need to start packing my stuff and so I need to stop buying! STOP!!!!
Seriously, I am going to stop! From today onwards, from this point onwards, no more online shopping!!!

What's next God?

Recents encounters and events made me evaluate my life purpose again. It is like a reminder from God once in a while to realign myself to Him and to make sure I am still walking in His will. (God always send me these reminders every 2 years...)



I have been meeting up with one of my cell members recently. In short, she told me that she cannot go on with her life like that without a purpose. She cannot just come to church every Sunday without knowing the purpose. She wants to know God again. God did not only appeared to her and changed her. God used her as a reminder to me.

Another of my cell member blogged abt his tots before going on a worship seminar. My immediate feelings is "Yes! I want to be like that. I want to have that same feeling like what he had felt" It brought to me a strong longing to be a true worshipper of God. Worshipping Him with my life.



A recent call from Ps Andy also reminded me of my once-upon-a-time passion to serve God full- time. Though I am not sure if it is my calling now, but it did reminded me to check with God again where I should be heading next. His call for me to stay in my workplace 5 years ago may had changed now and I cannot just bury myself in my work everyday and not listen out to God's call. Well, it may not be full-time ministry, it may be some other place that I should be moving to.



Yesterday I visited my grandma who is aged and not too well. She did not have a easy life when my grandfather died at a young age, leaving her with 5 young kids (my youngest uncle was still an infant then). And she was telling us the stories of her "world tour". She had been to Japan, New Zealand, Australia, many parts of China, Taiwan and almost went to South Africa. She said that she was glad she did travel before her health turned bad 2 years ago. Since then, she spent most of her days in bed being angry and unhappy abt life and people in her life. To my grandma, she had probably see travelling and seeing the world a great part of her life and I think, at least she had enjoyed her life. Though I sincerely hope she will become happier til she depart from this world.



40 days of community also give me upteem of opportunities to reflect more of my life since I have to consistently read the book daily for next 40 days. I kept thinking to myself as I read the book. "M I like what the book says I should be? or M I more like what the book say I shouldnt be". "M I living a life God will be pleased or M I not?"



An article was sent to me with this statement. "An average lifespan of man is 78 and woman 82. Minus this from your current age and multiply by 365 days is how many days you have left. And tomorrow is 1 day less..." I have 18980 days left by calculation, but who knows when will God call me back to be with Him. I am not stating this as a pessimistic point of view, rather to come to the simple fact that we cannot think we have all the time in the world. It is urgent! It has to be now!



I have been bombarded with many reminders again and again.

As we grow in God, God poses more challenges in our lives to mould us to be more like Him. He gives us more difficult questions in our lives to help us yearn to Him and think more like Christ. I can feel that the new few days, maybe months will be a wrestling period with God to align myself to God again. His calling VS my priorities and wants.



It is tough to be a true disciple. Yet it is an exciting journey that I want to take on!

Speaking into the life of my child

Candy gave me a book "Prayers and Promises for my Little Boy" on Christmas. It is a great book which shows the different areas I can pray for Caleb. The thing I love about this book is also the verses quoted that show God's promises...

Little Caleb was experiencing separation anxiety around 6 months. While other babies allow people to carry them, Caleb only want me and no one else. Sometimes no even Gabriel. We tried many methods yet it was not successful. He just wanted to stick to me. Rachel consulted some experienced mothers and was told this could last till the age of 2. Well, in my mind, I was thinking of what I can do to help him overcome this. As we chatted, Rachel suggested that we could pray for him more often...

And so I did...

At first, I prayed for God to give me wisdom. To show me methods to help Caleb overcome this separation anxiety. I read books and materials etc etc... and continue praying... One night, as I was praying for Caleb, God reminded me of the prayer book, about speaking God's word into Caleb's lives. As I begin to pray, unknowingly, or maybe knowingly, I started to pray that Caleb's will find security in Christ. That even if we are not around, he will know that we love him, Just as God is unseen but God is always with Him. Caleb's security is not only in daddy and mummy but in Christ! Oh what a prayer...

I thanks God that I do see improvement in Caleb. It will take time but I know only God can change Caleb!!!

my new eyes

i am typing this with my new 'eyes'. though the vision is still a little blur...kinda feeling like wearing blur contact lens... but it is really great...
when i went to bed last night, i was still feeling like my glasses were on... but no, it was my pair of new 'eyes'. it is great to be free from glasses after 20 years.

a clearer view tomorrow

i am doing my lasik surgery today. i am so excited!!! but so scare at the same time. have been wearing my specs for the past 20+ years, i can't imagine how it is like without all these hassles again...without having to search for my specs in the morning, without having to put the contact lens into my small, sleepy eyes, without the red eyes after removing my lens... the benefits are just too many to count...
what abt the risk???? i do not want to think abt it since i have decided to go for the op. =)
i m having butterflies in my stomach. m supposed to finish 2 reports before i got off from work for the next 2 days but i am so so excited that i can't concentrate on the reports...
okies... see u with a clearer vision from tomorrow... =)

lindy needs a holiday far from home, i m also hoping to take a break overseas soon.
it has been 1 month since i am back at work. handling caleb, work, chores @ home, time w gab, cell, friends is not easy. becos of the frequent OT, i feel pretty sad not being able to spend time with caleb. On good days, i will have 2 hours w him before he goes to bed. On bad days, it will be just a short 1/2hr of hugging. It is just a short 10-12 years when he will want to spend time with me yet these precious years are further shorten by my daily absence from his side.
Does this make sense? That I dun have the time for him when he needs me most and then later hope for him to spend time with me when he is already independant.
Wat is my priority? To pursue my career because i dun want my 20 years of education to be wasted or to bring up my son whom I brought to this earth.

Looking at caleb brings you the most amazing feeling. it is a mixture of gladness, joy, happiness, excitement. I can so imagine God feeling the same way as He look at us. No matter how bad we are, or how disobedient we can be, He will still look at us and smile, simply becos we are created by Him. And He is pleased with His creation.

ok. I am going to look at my calendar and plan for a holiday with gab.

6am: caleb and i will usually go back to sleep side by side after the morning feed but this morning he didn't go back to zzz... he stay awake and watch me as i prep to work, maybe he sense the difference this morning.

7.30am: loaded caleb and stuff in the car and going to my mum's place. he held my finger tight as he fell asleep in the car... i was missing him already...

8am: caleb left w my mum and gab sent me to work. i kept my mind off caleb so that the tears will stop. i told myself to kept every min occupied so that 5.30pm will come faster...

10am (now):finish clearing my emails and is waiting for things to do, fighting to not think of caleb and i think penning down my feelings here may help. better not tear in case my collegues see.